Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
