i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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