I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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