At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
