new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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