Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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