Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Is Oprah even human
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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