my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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