you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
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Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
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I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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