Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
