I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Who put my cat in the fridge?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
