My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
The best revenge is premature balding
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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