i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
