Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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