I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
