I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
