So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
