I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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