Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
