Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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