I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
