Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
