look no pants
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
