There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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