how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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