I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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