So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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