Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
