This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
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If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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