Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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