Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
