I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
