So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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