There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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