you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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