News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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