I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
