I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
