Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize
