The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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