Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
