just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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