Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
