I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
