I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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