Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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