The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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