my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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