I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
