Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
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