sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
