Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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