You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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