hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
