I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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