He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
