my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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