Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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