Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
