please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
My Sexting was not on an AP level
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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