New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
