spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
