i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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